Well, I did it! Six whole nights by myself in the new apartment. Okay, so one night I slept at a friend’s and two nights I kept the dvd player running, but all the same, I made it! And I didn’t even hide under the blankets! Though, I have to admin that the idea of being alone for so long was torturing me. It’s not that I really thinking I’m going to get eaten by monsters or attacked by an intruder, but there’s something that happens when I’m by myself..my mind wanders. Apparently I have a pretty vivid imagination. If only I could use this talent for good and not the total destruction of my bedtime wind-down. I know don’t why it is I’m so afraid to be alone at night. For as long as I can remember, I’ve slept with the covers over my head, one eye slightly open, scanning the room for an apparitions and boogie men. I always thought as I grew older these fears would vanish. I remember going into my parents room at night, seeing my them sleeping, unshielded by the protective blankets. I believed that one day I too would feel no reason to be scared of what goes bump in the night. Of all the things I couldn’t grow out of!
As part of the New Year and turning 30 and being a grown-up professional and all that blah-blah-blah, I’m making the concious effort to face my fears, just as I did this week. When I look back, it wasn’t that scary being alone and last night I did say, enough with the dvd night-light, I’m gonna get some peace and quiet sleep. It was refreshing and I grew a little. Next time, maybe I’ll welcome that bed-all-to-myself feeling. (haha, though I doubt it.) But it does get me thinking about other fears that may be holding me back, fears that maybe I’m not even aware of. There’s certainly plenty of times I react a certain way to things and look back saying, “what the heck was I doing just there.” I’m gonna bet half of that is caused by the girl inside of me thinking, “don’t leave me, I’m hungry, please like me, etc.) We’re a complex puzzle, we humans, and that primal instinct of fear can be pretty powerful. Where the off switch to that mechanism is? Not sure, but I’m gonna start with looking it straight in the face, and saying “back off phobio, I’m in charge now!” I’ll keep you posted on my progress.